Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Brick Goes on Shark Tank!


Wuddup peeps?

As y'all know I work at a donut factory. But what you might not know is that I like to harass venture capitalists in my spare time. Most recently, I went on the TV show Shark Tank to pitch one of my inventions to the reality star billionaires. Here's how it went:


          I walked into the studio.


BRICK
Hello, sharks. For legal purposes, I go by Brick.

MR WONDERFUL
Legal purposes??

BRICK
I guess I should say, legal avoidance purposes.

MR WONDERFUL
Go on.

BRICK
I'm here seeking a $250 investment for a 5%  stake in my company, Tone Def.

MR WONDERFUL
Interesting.

BRICK
Shut up. So anyways, the word "deaf" means not able to hear, but it's also used by black people to mean "cool."


          Daymond jumped out of his seat.


BLACK SHARK
Yes!!

BRICK
Thank you, Daymond. Now everyone likes music, but some of us are tone deaf. So I invented Tone Def.


          I pulled the table cloth off my invention.


LORI
What the fuck is that?

ROBERT
It looks like a destroyed synthesizer.

BRICK
You're both right. I ripped out all but two keys off this keyboard thereby making it usable by even the most tone deaf motherfuckers out there. Except the ones that are actually deaf. There's no hope for them. So sharks, who's ready to go def!?

MR WONDERFUL
Is there anything proprietary about your invention?

BRICK
That's what I need the $250 for. I need to pay the patent application fee.

ROBERT
You're retarded! How can you play any songs with only two keys!?

BRICK
Well Robert, statistics show all songs are made of only twelve notes. So I'm sure there's at least a few songs you can play with two.

MARK
You come in here with a face like that... it's very disrespectful to us sharks. I'm out.

BRICK
Thank you for your input Mark, but I'd like to hear what the other sharks have to say.

LORI
You're a moron.

BRICK
Takes one to know one.

BLACK SHARK
Salmonella!

BRICK
It wasn't a question, Daymond.

BLACK SHARK
You're over here talking about grapes, but I don't see you as a health nut. I'm out.


 Maybe I'd of had more success if I wore my Viking hat.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Slice of Brick


Wuddup my fan(s)!!! It's been a while since I've posted to my blog so I won't torture you any longer. I will now answer the question both Trump and CNN are dying to know: what has Brick been up to??

Way to stay relevant, Brick!!


BUM-A-NOMICS

Every day I go to the Riverfront Park in Commerce. It has access to the Los Angeles river that I walk along. Some people live under the bridges there. And I mean straight up live as in they got a whole little set up with chest of drawers and bikes hanging from the "ceiling" and whatnot.

Los Angeles River, population: 2 bridge gremlins 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Hood Times (moving on down)


My friend Punchino from San Diego called me up the other day...


PUN
S'up dog. Hey we haven't kicked it in a while. Why don't me and Craig come visit you in L.A. for Cinco de Mayo?

BRICK
Yeah that'd be cool. Come on through; should be poppin.

PUN
Text me your address.

BRICK
Just sent it.

PUN
Hold on, lemme google earth it. Dude.. what the fuck. You live between a tire shop and a used furniture store??

BRICK
Zoning laws work kinda different out here.

PUN
In that, what? They don't obey them??

BRICK
Hey! It's not Paco's fault they're not written in Spanish.


In the ghetto, street signs are written in Old English, and tacos eat Mexicans

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Nu Pac (Brick busts a rhyme!)


What I do on Friday nights when my girlfriend goes out without me...




So many times
That my rhymes
Committin crimes
Y'all dropping dimes
Like I drop beats cuz it's the only thing that you know how to do

Wanted in every county
Bigass bounty
I don't even
Know how many
Warrants but it's definitely turning that Hawaiian Dog's balls blue

But I ain't stoppin
I'm still poppin
Off at the 808
So do what u do best and just stay the fuck out my way

Cuz when I'm done
A thunderin
Ain't no sun
Gon come ya bum
It's only gonna open up the floodgate

Of all the hate
Of all the ppl
So irate
Who denigrate
Every single track of yours I even bother to rate

Talk about a rotten tomato
Ain't no track gotten a rating so low
Since Simon Cowell used to berate that queer Secrest fellow

Ain't a shred of
Iceberg lettuce
Left for us
In this 6 inch sub
Woofer bumping out that pathetic thing you somehow call a track

But be like Bond and
Take a Quantum
Of Solace
You witnessed this
It's not everyday that history takes place

Might as well stay
Cuz it's way too late
To save that bigass thing on your head u somehow call a face!



*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick's Unshuffled Deck!

Friday, April 7, 2017

Conversations with Brick

Set your phasers to intelect!



Y'all Be Sinnin'!


The other day I was locking the door to my apartment as I headed out. I saw the bum who picks cans from our apartment dumpster...

BUM
S'up Brick.

BRICK
S'up Luis.

BUM
My name's Harold.

BRICK
Whatever.

BUM
You going to Arco?

BRICK
No, tonight I go to Chevron.

BUM
Ooooh! What's the occasion?

BRICK
It's Fat Tuesday, my man.

BUM
It is? Shit I thought it was Flag Day. Damn that means I gotta go stab my brother before midnight.

BRICK
Why? Are you giving up shanking people for Lent? Hehe.

BUM
No.


I walked into Chevron where my main man Zutroy was working the counter.


ZUTROY
Good evening Sir Brick, so nice to see you.

BRICK
What up Zutroy. I'll have the usual.


Looks nothing like this guy...

Friday, March 3, 2017

Inside the Donut Hole



The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.
 
Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism


Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.


Hey! Acting is a serious career!

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where the notorious gang leader Lamar Jackson has resigned his position as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations that he has been running his organization in a racist manner. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating what it deems to be corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference where he resigned from his position in the gang: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Breaking Janitor


So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:


BREAKING JANITOR


Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!


What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Confessions of an Uber Driver


So now that I make doughnutman money, I no longer have to work two jobs. Two years ago, it was a different story. I used to drive for Uber on the weekends. I met some interesting people along the way..


MY FIRST RIDE

I remember my very first day as a driver. The Uber app "pinged" and the GPS lead me straight to the ghetto. I pulled up to a humble house in the middle of the street. A young man walked up to my car. He looked like a straight up gangster complete with locs and a wife-beater.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Wassup homie? 

BRICK
I'm here for Alex.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Why you tryina get at my cousin foo!?

BRICK
Get at him? You calling me gay??

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Alex is a girl fucker!

BRICK
Oooh as in Alexan - DRRUUH

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Shut up, foo. And you still ain't tell me why u tryina pick her up.

BRICK
I'm her Uber driver.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Oh, I thought you were a cop.

BRICK
Cause you're always committing crimes?

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Naw, cause you look like one.

BRICK
What?? Dem's fightin words!!

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Yeah, but you ain't a fightin man.

BRICK
Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. I coulda been in a world of trouble.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Anytime, Guero.

Cholo McGangster, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.


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